Let Go of the Wheel

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.                                   –Isaiah 42:16

           

                I walked into my dark bedroom and fell onto the bed in exhaustion. It was March of 1994 and I had just returned from the Veterans hospital in Washington, DC where my husband was being treated for a near fatal heart attack.  It was hard to leave him there, but we had three children at home, ages 11, 12 and 14, who needed comfort and reassurance. At that moment, however, I didn’t have it to give. I was full of fear and dread. I didn’t know what to tell them because I had no idea what lay ahead. I just needed a few minutes to regroup, I thought, as I closed my eyes. Immediately, I fell asleep and began to dream.

            In the dream I was driving my husband to the hospital. It was nighttime and rain was coming down in torrents. Every muscle in my body was tense as I gripped the wheel, trying to peer through the darkness and driving rain at the road before us. We were on some major highway and there were many other cars surrounding us. I was concerned because we were all travelling at a high rate of speed even under these bad conditions and I assumed everyone else was having the same problem seeing the road as I was.  All of a sudden, the inside of our car began to fill up with a dense fog. I was unable to see anything now. I gripped the wheel even harder and tried to continue steering but I had lost all sense of the road and where I was in relation to the traffic around me. Then, the car began to spin! Terror and panic seized me as I futilely tried to right the car, and then instantly I understood that the only way to survive was to let go of the wheel, and I did.

            I woke up then, my heart still pounding, but immediately I understood the meaning of the dream. This situation with my family was far beyond my ability to control. I needed to acknowledge that and surrender that control to the One who could steer us safely through whatever lay ahead. Now I knew what to tell my children.