Out of Control?

For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end. –Psalm 48:14

               

                I recently watched the movie Contagion.  Without giving away the entire plot, I want to share the thing that impressed me most about the movie – all of the scenes which showed people touching things. Eventually the message was clear - people touch everything. The scenes were meant to convey the sheer magnitude of the threat; the virtual impossibility of escaping exposure to the virus. Anyone watching the movie was left with the realization that no amount of hand washing, antibacterial hand sanitizer or masks would keep a person safe from something like that.

                When H1N1 was the virus du jour I signed up for the CDC updates. I’m not sure why, other than it gave me an illusion of control. Knowledge is power, or something like that. I’ve always been a worrier, always wanted to find a way to control my circumstances. I doubt that I am very different from most people.

                As a child, I worried whenever my parents went out. I was a ball of nerves every first day of every school year, even though I went to the same school with the same kids and teachers for most of my elementary and middle school years.  In high school I worried about everything – my family, my grades, whether I was considered a likeable or loveable person, whether the talents I thought I had were talents at all.  Those worries looked more mature in college, but, in reality, they were about the same, I just learned to be a better actor.   

                When I became a wife and ultimately a mother, a whole new can of worry opened! I was concerned about my relationship with my husband. I was fearful about finances. I was consumed with my inadequacy as a parent, fearing that I was ruining my children with my frailties and failures.  As a matter of fact, I lived in constant fear of anything bad happening to my children.  If you’re a parent, you know what I mean. Every sniffle, every new tooth, every stage of development that didn’t seem to occur when I thought it should; every bump and bruise, both physical and emotional.

                As my children grew, so did my apprehension. What might they do to themselves or others in their youthful ignorance and arrogance? How could I control them? Was I making right decisions? Could I keep them safe?

                Then, while my three children were teens, my husband got sick. First a heart attack, then cancer. I was stretched in so many directions I didn’t feel I was giving appropriate attention to anyone or anything in my life. I worried that my husband didn’t feel as supported and cared for as I wanted him to feel. I often felt that my children were abandoned and therefore out of control because I wasn’t there to watch over them and parent them in the way I felt I should while I was at the hospital with their dad.  I also had a job that I felt I could not afford to lose.

                Ultimately, my husband lost the battle with cancer. I was a widow with three lost and confused teens, and barely any income. Then, almost immediately, my mother’s physical and mental health took a dramatic turn for the worse, and I, as the only child, suddenly found myself dealing with all that accompanies that kind of situation. I was completely overwhelmed. Everything I had been trying to deal with had brought me to the realization that I was not in control of anything. There were too many needs and I could not meet them all. I found I was totally unable to carry the responsibility of what was happening to everyone and the effect it was having on them. I faced the fact that I had no other choice but to do the best I could, and leave it to God. I saw that the possibilities for disaster were endless and it was absurd to think that I could do enough to protect us from them all.  I don’t mean that I quit and did nothing. I did what I could, but acknowledged that it was not I, but God, who was in control.

                I wish I could say I completely learned my lesson then, and since that time I have released everything to God; living without the fear, worry, guilt and shame that comes from thinking I should be in control of what happens to me and those I love. But, surrender of control, or really the illusion of control, is a lesson God continues to teach me. In each new set of circumstances, it seems, he has to remind me again that there are too many variables, too many opportunities for exposure to the “viruses” of life, for me to anticipate them all and keep myself, my family and my friends safe. He gently asks me daily to trust him with whatever happens, and to let him be God.

                 My story is uniquely mine. Everyone has a story, and, in everyone’s story there will come a point where the sheer magnitude of what you are facing or have faced causes you to consider the impossibility of controlling what life throws your way. When you reach that point in your story, I hope you grasp the fact that you are right, you are not in control, you can’t be, and it’s okay, because there is One who is and always has been, even when things do not happen the way you would have chosen.

                Tragedies happen.  People get sick, maybe even you. People die. Maybe you or someone you love is facing death right now. Maybe you have lost the most important relationship of your life. Maybe you have been a rotten parent, or at the very least, an imperfect one - because no one is perfect - and your children have been affected by your mistakes. Maybe your very worst fear has already been realized. Whatever is going on in your story, your life is not in chaos.  God is there, right there with you, and has always had you in his hands. He will provide for your needs and will gently guide you step by step wherever you go.