Even When I Do Not See

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.  --Psalm 34:18

                “If there is a God, what good is he anyway?” I uttered those words from the pit of despair about 25 years ago. My husband was out of work. We had been forced to move, with our three small children, far away from all of our family and friends. Those were the days before cell phones and cheap long distance. I couldn’t even afford to phone anyone to hear a friendly voice or have someone pray with me. What little savings we had was quickly running out and I saw no light at the end of the tunnel.  I had prayed and cried to God for help until I felt I had no tears left. If God existed, he had abandoned me, I declared, and there was no point in praying anymore.

                You would have to know me to truly understand the magnitude of that statement. All of my life I have prayed. Praying is my answer to everything. It is my first response to both good and bad news. I remember getting in the shower that morning and automatically beginning to pray, because that was my only private time away from my children and I used it to talk to God. But darkness fell over me like I had never before experienced; a total sense of hopelessness, because, for the first time in my life, I felt I had nowhere to turn.  My tears mingled with the water that cascaded over my body.

                I tried to function normally that day, for my family’s sake. I cooked and cleaned and played with my children, but my world was empty because God and I had turned our backs on each other. I was completely alone. 

                Then, in early afternoon, a UPS truck pulled up in front of my house. I wasn’t expecting anything and figured the driver had the wrong address.  Because it was nap time and I didn’t want him ringing the doorbell and waking my children, I walked outside to meet him.  In his hands he held a package addressed to me. I signed and walked back inside, intrigued. I looked for something that said where the package came from, but there was nothing on the outside. Curiously, I opened the box and inside was a book with only a packing list from the book store, no note. The book was entitled , You Gotta Keep Dancing, written by Tim Hansel.  I had never heard of it, but under the title was a verse, “You have changed my sadness into a joyful dance.” Psalm 30:11.  My heart went still.

                With wonder, I opened the book and read the flyleaf. It said, “Life can be tough. Stress, disappointment, heartache, hurt—all are part of the human condition. But while pain is unavoidable, misery is optional!”  Who had sent this to me? I had not been able to tell anyone what I was feeling. Who knew how drastically I needed this message? The answer was in my heart already. God knew. He was the only one that knew, and in his perfect timing he sent me an unmistakable message that he was with me. I had not been forsaken.

                I devoured that book until my children woke up, and then continued reading after they were in bed that night. The book is Tim Hansel’s own amazing story of incredible physical and emotional pain, and how God showed him he could choose joy in the midst of any circumstances. It was the very message of hope I needed. Our circumstances did not change right away, but my heart did.

                Since that day God has continued to teach me that He is not primarily interested in my earthly happiness and that I need to remove my focus from my desires and surrender to his perfect will in my life, trusting that he is always with me.  When I am tempted to fall into despair, I remember that day – the utter emptiness and hopelessness I felt, thinking I had nowhere to turn.-- and I raise a prayer of gratitude for the knowledge that he is always working for my good, even when I do not see.

Note: Yes, God did send me that book. The human instrument he used turned out to be my precious friend, Glenna Hadley, who has often been  there to help me through the trials of this life.