This week I was struck by words from the book Strength to Love, By Martin Luther King,
Jr. “One of the great tragedies of life is that men seldom bridge the gulf
between practice and profession, between doing and saying. A persistent schizophrenia leaves so many of
us tragically divided against ourselves….
This strange dichotomy, this agonizing gulf between the ought and the
is, represents the tragic theme of man’s earthly pilgrimage.”
We say one thing and do another. We know what is right, but do the wrong. This quotation sounds a lot like Romans 7
verse 19, “For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not
want to do—this I keep on doing.
In my early life I was painfully aware of what I think of as
my core set of weaknesses: Self-pity,
arrogance and impatience. I was prone to
melt-downs and blow-ups. I’ve mentioned
in previous blogs that I grew up believing my behavior determined my salvation,
and when I examined my behavior, I lived in a state of fear, guilt and despair
as far as my salvation was concerned.
Then, in my early thirties I discovered grace. I learned that I was not saved on the basis
of my obedience, but solely on the basis of what Jesus Christ had done for me. Once I was thoroughly convinced of that truth
I let go of the need to earn my salvation, but I expected that, over time, I
would become a better person.
As time passed, however, I realized that as far as my core
set of weaknesses were concerned, I had made little to no progress. I knew now that my salvation wasn’t dependent
on conquering those issues, but, frankly, I was ashamed of my continued
failures! I wanted to change. This seemed like a worthy goal, so I
rededicated myself to obedience. I pleaded with God to change me. I tried hard to change. I confess that I even pretended to change;
but that worked for only so long, and then I either melted-down or blew up. I was embarrassed and discouraged. The same
old feelings of fear, guilt and despair, which used to plague me before I learned
about grace, began to torment me again.
How was it possible to have been a Christian for so long, I wondered,
and to have made so little progress in those areas?
In one of his blogs, Tullian Tchividjian borrows an
illustration from Jack Miller regarding a similar struggle of Samuel Johnson,
an 18th century writer and moralist.
Taken from Johnson’s diary and prayer journal, Jack gives us a
record–through the years–of Johnson’s life-long resolutions, failures, and
frustrations:
1738: He wrote, “Oh Lord, enable me
to redeem the time which I have spent in sloth.”
1757: (19 years later) “Oh mighty
God, enable me to shake off sloth and redeem the time misspent in idleness and
sin by diligent application of the days yet remaining.”
1759: (2 years later) “Enable me to
shake off idleness and sloth.”
1761: “I have resolved until I have
resolved that I am afraid to resolve again.”
1764: “My indolence since my last
reception of the sacrament has sunk into grossest sluggishness. My purpose is
from this time to avoid idleness and to rise early.”
1764: (5 months later) He resolves
to rise early, “not later than 6 if I can.”
1765: “I purpose to rise at 8
because, though, I shall not rise early it will be much earlier than I now rise
for I often lie until 2.”
1769: “I am not yet in a state to
form any resolutions. I purpose and hope to rise early in the morning, by 8,
and by degrees, at 6.”
1775: “When I look back upon
resolution of improvement and amendments which have, year after year, been made
and broken, why do I yet try to resolve again? I try because reformation is
necessary and despair is criminal.” He resolves again to rise at 8.
1781: (3 years before his death) “I
will not despair, help me, help me, oh my God.” He resolves to rise at 8 or
sooner to avoid idleness.
I completely identified with Mr. Johnson’s heart! Thankfully,
in my near despair, God led me to the book of 2 Corinthians, chapter 12 verses
7-9. “To keep me from becoming
conceited,” Paul says, “…there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of
Satan, to torment me. Three times I
pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.
But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made
perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will
boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest
on me.”
Whatever Paul’s thorn in the flesh actually was doesn’t
matter. God had been close to Paul and
taught him many things, but because of that Paul was in danger of becoming
conceited. So, God sent him something
which resulted in his being humbled.
Whatever it was, Satan used it to torment Paul and Paul wanted it to go
away. He did not want to feel weak! He wanted
to be strong and competent!
I began to think about why I was so desperate to
change. Was it really about my desire to
please God, or was it actually about my own embarrassment because I hadn’t
changed? Was it about God’s glory or my
own?
God uses our weaknesses to keep us humble and to keep us
honest. We squirm uncomfortably, and beg
him to remove our weaknesses, but instead he says, ‘My grace is sufficient for
you. It’s not about your goodness; it’s
about my goodness toward you. Neither is it about your failures or
inconsistencies; your melt downs or sloth (fill in your own weaknesses here); it’s
about the fact that my grace has already provided all you need. Your weaknesses
are an opportunity for me to demonstrate my power on your behalf.
Paul’s response was, ‘Well, if that’s the case, then I’m
just going to boast about my weaknesses, so that your power can rest on me!’
God may or may not allow me to see growth in my core areas
of weakness. Who knows, maybe I have grown and just can’t see it; but that is
not the point. What God wants is for me
to have a humble understanding of my need for him; gratitude for what he has
done and continues to do for me; love for him, his word and his presence; increasing
joy and peace as I rest in him; and growth in my desire to share with others the
news of his amazing grace which he offers us especially because of the
“agonizing gulf between the ought and the is”.
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